Donald Trump Takes Jesus Down a Peg

Ordinarily one does not launch a personal blog by handing the content immediately over to a guest blogger. This is particularly untrue when one wishes to speak to truth to power vis a vis politics and religion using one’s own unique voice. However, in this day and age we all must stand on the shoulders of giants; or at least the giant egos that own our government, media, and infrastructure. So, in the spirit of droit du seigneur, I present this guest post by a man who is know globally both for his humility and as a unique habitat for a fur bearing mammal not yet cataloged by cryptozoologists. He is also recognized by many, particularly himself, as an expert in everything.

Mr. Donald Trump:

When you look at my opponents in the Republican Party, they’re always going on about this Jesus guy like they’re trying to raise money from him. And they probably are. I’ve been to church and clearly the guy has some nice stuff. It’s not a bad. The catering leaves something to be desired, and I’ve spoken to that publicly already, but I like to hear myself sing in public, so I show up from time to time.

But have you read this guy’s book? Total wackadoodle, probably written during the Carter administration, about a bunch of government land deals. And he just keeps going on about about how he’s letting all these weird people in on the deal too. The guy’s got no business plan, no insurance, and as far as I can tell, no clue about real estate finance.

Look, I know that all sorts of religious weirdos, Zealots, rabble rousers, come out of Gallilee… and I presume that some of them might be good people, but most of them aren’t. That’s what Jesus’ people say. What I know is that my media reach twenty years ago was bigger that Jesus’ ever was. More people know who I am now than ever knew who this guy was. And by the time I was 33 I owned fifteen hotels in Manhattan and was worth a billion dollars.

What did that schmuck accomplish? Wandering the desert? Curing lepers of mange? I think we all know that I have better hair than that guy. My stylist charges $500 an hour. HE knows how to handle grooming issues.

And let me tell you something. This Jesus guy says that you should sell all you stuff and give it to the poor so you can enter his father’s magic Kingdom? No one ever had to do that to get into one of father’s my buildings. We built low income housing uptown when everyone said don’t build low income housing uptown. The guy’s clearly a slum lord renting some illegal units and giving his tenants a bad deal.

Here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to make a deal with the Kingdom of Heaven. I’m going to put my assets into an S Corp, leverage the cash against payday loans for the poor at a reasonable – market rate based on the risk, mind you – but reasonable interest rate, and get in there. Then we’re going to demolish this Jesus guy’s father’s house, which is probably old and in need of renovation anyway, and I’ll put up a luxury condo high rise with 300% more rooms and new granite and appliances, all on cash margins. We’re going make this Kingdom of Heaven place great again. And I presume we’re going to raise the property values because the rapists, murderers, and drug addicts aren’t going to get in because we’re going to build a fence around it.