You’re not on Tinder (or OK Cupid or that website with a stripper’s name) to be rejected. You’re on Tinder to get right swiped and meet people. So why are you doing the same things everyone else is doing to get left swiped and be rejected? Stop it already, you’re killing me.
👈 Top Tinder Mistakes
- Sunglasses 😎 – Everyone looks cool in shades. But why are you wearing them in every photograph of your face on Tinder? Let people see your eyes – or eye if you tossed one down a well in exchange for great wisdom. Gateway to the soul or not, showing your eyeballs to other humans presents you as approachable and more likely to, in fact, be human.
- No face 🎭 – Worse than only presenting yourself in sunglasses, not showing you face is an indicator that you do not want to be known and that you probably shouldn’t be trusted. Healthy single people steer clear of unhealthy cheating people. Don’t look like a cheater.
- “I eat and go on vacation.” – These are the two most boring things you can talk about. Everyone eats (except starving children and animals on late night TV) and only most hardened workaholics eschew vacay. Your chit chat about your travels is precisely as interesting as my relatives’ vacation slide shows were in 1979. (Am I the only person left who remembers when slides were physical things and would get jammed up? We didn’t get star-wipes.)
- Update – Your tender profile is not the newspaper nor is it a technical manual. One needn’t go out of one’s way to show new landmarks or features. It is not something that is written once and treated as done. You are not a static thing and therefore your profile shouldn’t ever bye treated as if it were a finished piece of literature. It is not a reference work. At best it is semi-autobiographical and at worst it is unbelievable fiction with a shallow, self absorbed, and utterly unremarkable protagonist who eats and goes on vacation. You know, Catcher in the Rye but without the biting cynicism.
But your profile isn’t a classic tome of teen angst where an editorial change would be worthy of someone’s master’s thesis. No one cares that you changed your profile.
If someone is monitoring you so closely that they do care, you should file for a restraining order. Seriously, why didn’t they just write you two years ago instead of lurking in a cyber-corner just find out if your childhood friends Pip and Estella ultimately murder Ms. Havensham for her Burning Man tickets? Just change the narrative if it doesn’t work and keep the editorial process to yourself. The addition or redaction of the part about the LEDs on your bicycle is tangential to your recounting of your annual psychedelic haj.
- “Write me first.” – Passive aggression doesn’t work and if you don’t believe me, I’ll get around to explaining it later.
I know that men have lied to women for a very long time to convince them that passive aggression does and that they should wait and tolerate the aberrant behavior of every horndog that takes a liking to their abundant derriere. But isn’t that chivalry bullshit just promoting colonialism and rape culture? I think it is. I don’t think grown-ass professional women with education should be locking themselves in towers to conform to some medieval cultural norm. I’m not about to go to Jerusalem and conquer it for the benefit of some lousy Pope. Franklin Graham can get off his own lazy ass if he wants it.
I digress. Ladies, if you see a cute guy online, dpn’t wait. Talk to him. And make it clear that you’re interested. I mean, really really obvious. Don’t chit chat with him about his cat. I mean, club him over the head and drag him back to your girl cave. Subtlety, as you may have noticed, is currently not in vogue in the process of male enculturation. You are woman! Roar, for fuck’s sake! Roar!
Apparently, online, many men seem to have some reticence when writing strange women. But, it’s not discussed. Like always, the privilege most men are given is to suffer in silence while shameless fuckboy trustafarians sully other mens’ reputations by flashing their genitals at anyone they damn well feel like. They care not about future political appointments because they’re the assholes who have been allowed distribute the privilege in the first place. There ought to be a wall… to put them up against. (Any last words about that, Dr. Johnson?)
- LOL – LOL is not a substitute for a period. It is not punctuation. (My grandmother taught Latin for a living and she’d die again if she saw how modern humans write. I’m sure she’d ding me for this rambling diatribe as well.)While informal speech might be okay in the context of a chat, your profile should avoid too much of a conversational tone. It’s okay to be friendly and for the sake of being approachable, but using formal grammatical constructs demonstrates competency, a trait that might not be totally sexy on the first date, but one that reasonable adult humans will expect to see evidence of soon thereafter. The single humans that don’t care about competency may be the “drama”, “games”, or “baggage” referenced in some less mindful people’s profiles. To confirm the importance of competence, try contrasting various people’s LinkedIn accounts with their Tinder profiles. Ask yourself, which version of this person would I rather bone / be boned by? Very rarely is it the Tinder persona. Drop the lol shit.
- Drama, Games, and Baggage – You aren’t the sort human tire fire who is so gauche as to reference others’ previous troglodyte partners using such a barbarous verbage, let alone your own. You’re the sort of discerning creature that reads Words for Humans. If you demonstrate the emotional intelligence you seek in a mate into your own behavior, you’ll save yourself from some heartaches, headaches, and unicorn-goring-aches. 🤕🦄 And don’t worry about the idiots that came before you. If you’re with someone who’s stuck on their ex, getting pissed about it probably won’t change your lot in life one bit unless it motivates you to move on.
- “Fluent in sarcasm.” – You’re so clever, funny, and original. I’ve never heard that one before. It’s a real knee-slapper lol
Get with the program. How many times has your audience read that quip? Probably hundreds, maybe thousands. It was mildly amusing the first time they read it. Now it just makes you stink like a dead lemming. The nimrods who embrace this descriptor are most likely head cases; simply sardonic on a good day and rude and abrasive on a bad one. Imma gonna hit that lol 😒
- “Live, laugh, love” 😖🔫 – This, or other any catch phrase cribbed from a mass produced home apparel item that was purchased from big box chain store will never make you stand out. You may be content to stand with the herd, but standing with the herd probably won’t get you laid, unless you chew your cud or are into gangbangs.
- “Not looking for sex.” 😿 – Yes, there are truly asexual people who only want friendship or romance and absolutely no sexual touching. If you’re one of those people, that epitaph belongs on your profile. However, when nominally horny humans use this sentence on their profile they mean they don’t want casual sex. Not wanting casual sex is not the same thing as wanting no sex at all. What they should write is, “Not looking for casual sex right now, thank you. Thanks for not asking,” instead. Being sloppy when explaining your intentions will only lead to problems. State your desires and boundaries in explicitly correct language. Let’s be realistic. Even ultra-religious no-sex-until-marriage types who regularly distribute grotesque pamphlets for the Junior Anti-Sex League outside local sportsball events are looking to get laid. Why do you think they want to get married so badly? It’s not for the counter top mixer.
👉 Easy Tinder Wins
- Show Yourself 🙌 – Show your eyes. Show your face. Show your body. (Keep your clothes on for fuck’s sake!) Honest pictures are key. If you look like you’re trying to hide something, you probably are. 👻 Looking deceptive is worse than showing what you think your imperfections are. Ultimately, you’re just calling attention to the things you don’t like about yourself and people aren’t so stupid that they won’t figure out that you’re fat, short, deformed on one side, missing a leg, in a wheelchair, a squid 🐙 in a human suit, or that you have a great big nose.👃 For instance, if you’ve got a great big fat ass and you don’t like it, take a picture of it and put it on Tinder. Someone out there is going to love your great big fat ass before they love you in a more holistic way. Trust me. 👍
- Write Something – Use your words. Don’t leave a mysterious blank space where your profile should be. And don’t just write “No hookups.” The fuckboys will still hit on you and you’ll only be cock-blocking yourself.
- Stop Lying – You are old, fat, and ugly… on the inside… and only getting more so every day. Why hide it? Let it hang out. Stop saving your pet bullshit for date 2, 3, 4, 5… n. Eventually you’ll be dead and you’ll have never shared your real self with anyone. No wonder you’re alone now. You’re practicing being silent for when you’re in your grave.
Who cares if some turdblossom left swipes you because you’re weird. You see, the thing about turdblossoms is eventually the blossom wilts and crumbles away and then all you have left is a turd.
Let’s think about Kantian dating for a moment.* What if everybody did that thing? What if everybody told the truth on their profile? What would be the logical consequences if we actually shared our true selves with each other?
Well, if everyone were themselves in online dating, it might be more offensive than we could possibly imagine at first. If you have a friend on Fetlife you’ve heard the stories. But maybe instead of going on a hundred first dates before we find something we want to attach to, or getting into random arguments with strangers online and giving up in frustration, we might actually accomplish our goals. And wouldn’t that save us all a bunch of time and bother if we didn’t have to sort through the bullshit? And maybe the relationships we would form as a result would be better if they weren’t all predicated on deception and trickery.
The worst part about the lying is what it does to us. Perhaps we don’t just keep getting worse. Maybe that lie is what keeps us trapped in ourselves until we implode. Maybe when we open up and let others inside our little one person fiefdoms of rational self interest the light that other souls brings us can make our tired gardens bloom. Maybe we shouldn’t be looking for romance, but rather liberation because if love isn’t liberation and an invitation to freedom, what good is it?
* Immanuel Kant likely died a virgin, which is why I didn’t become a philosophy professor. I’m also grateful that my parents didn’t name me Immanuel because I’d probably be sacrificing cats to Cthlu right now if they had.