Are you bothered by troublesome friends filling your life with phone calls and social obligations? Do so called family members pester you relentlessly every December, or whenever it’s bedtime, or they’re hungry, or need a fucking hug, or some goddamned fishsticks, or some juice to chase their low dose atypical antipsychotic? Wouldn’t you rather be alone with the cats? Of course you would. Who has time for humans anyway?
Well, too bad my casual Internet acquaintance, because your friends and family problem isn’t going to cure itself. Not with all the mistakes you’re constantly making; all the time everyday; one mistake after another without any end in sight.
No worries, though. Your daily screw-ups that only serve to exacerbate your human infestation problem are pretty easy to avoid once they’re pointed out to you. Just follow Words for Human’s advice.
Just leave that annoying blinking, buzzing, chirping chunk of plastic and glass out for the raccoons and feel the liberation. No more calls, emails, or desperate pleading texts demanding your attention. Enjoy the good life where the only unnecessary vibrations are from the soft purring furball curled up in your lap. So you can’t resist going outside under the full moon to hold you precious one last time? Maybe it’s time to throw that phone into a box and ship it back to Korea.
Seriously, we live in the 21st century. Who needs all that shit anyway. Bills demanding payment, greeting cards from manipulative humans hysterically seeking your attention because they can’t stand leaving you alone for more that 24 months, coupons from human stores; you don’t have time for any of it. Those of us in the friend-free lifestyle just let it pile up and dump it in our neighbors’ garbage bin every month or two.
Fuck recycling. 🖕♻
Speaking of neighbors… 👀
Those in the know don’t. Those who are afflicted with friends do… at their own peril. PTA meetings, birthday parties, happy hours with coworkers, and soliciting prostitutes are all bullshit activities that will magically go away when you start spending your day entirely on the sane side of your front door. No more neighbors asking nosey questions about “their” garbage bins. No uncomfortable flirtations with the clerk at the drug store. No more excruciating casual banter. Just the soothing sound of you own thoughts bouncing around your skull while a cat chews on your feet demanding yet another can of Fancy Feast.
Goddammit, I thought I told you to ship that shit back to Korea! You’re addicted to that thing, aren’t you?
Well, there’s one good reason to keep the cell phone handy.
First it was that annoying social worker with the prosthetic eye “just checking on your welfare”. Now it’s the cops. Your so called “family” probably narced you out. Now law enforcement keeps showing up asking if you’re “still alive in there”. Some people should just mind their own fucking bees’ wax. The same goes for the Mormon missionaries, Jehovah’s Witnesses, and that weirdo three doors down selling Herbalife as a path to salvation. Don’t they know you don’t have time for humans? Anyhow, that cocaine stashed in your closet isn’t going to snort itself. “Hey, didn’t you used to own cats?” the boys in blue holler through your window. Oh well.😿
Come back with a warrant, piggies!👮♂️🐷👮♀️🐖
Humans think it’s lucky. Well, humans are idiots. Stop indulging their superstitions. Do not tolerate the number seven – ever! Did you hear what it did to 9? Grotesque. 🤮
24 / 3 = 8? Fuck integers. You’re not three years old anymore. Do the real maths!
Pro tip: they’re all toxic. Each and every one is defective except for you. You’re the flawless diamond in the coal pit and you will never know happiness until you’re rid of each and every lump of coal that surrounds you. Don’t let humans brainwash you into thinking otherwise. Reject their stupid hugs and refuse their toxic tuna casseroles. Don’t let them indoctrinate you in their so-called “support groups”.
Humans won’t make you happy because humans aren’t your friends.
You know it’s true. You read it on your phone while taking a huge crap. 📱🚽💩